Self Pleasure vs Self Exploration

As a woman, if you were to express a desire for personal development in the realm of sexuality, one of the primary things you will be guided into is ‘Self-Pleasure.” First, make love to yourself…

I want to first say that I also encourage this practice! Its intentions are good, amazing in fact, but what I’ve found is that it’s a little presumptuous. Let me explain. By using the word Pleasure, I find that there is a subtle expectation that is created - an expectation that you will experience pleasure.

For some women, this doesn’t pose any problems, and if that’s the case, amazing. But for the ladies out there who struggle to really receive, and to experience orgasms, I want to offer an idea.

How I see it, we are living in a time where the word pleasure is both wildly misunderstood and also carries a strong imprint of cultural shame. I imagine that when most people hear the word pleasure, their mind immediately goes to orgasm or something of the nature.  We have in fact been conditioned to relate to pleasure as a peak orgasm (largely demonstrated by a male orgasm or the clitoral orgasm for women).

The truth is, the experience of pleasure is much more accessible and available to us than we have been taught. But it requires a shift in perspective. Pleasure as it has the potential to be is so much more subtle, and sensual; the light caress of touch on your belly…. holding a warm mug between your hands…. the feeling of warmth in your heart that is created in the presence of authentic friendship…. looking out at the magic of nature. Pleasure of this sort asks for a quality of presence and sensitivity that we as a culture are just tapping into.

What I’ve found can happen when we relate to Self-Pleasure with this unconscious (or not at all) focus on the goal of Orgasm – then our self-pleasure becomes masculine in nature and directed at if and when we ‘finish. This can influence our experience in many different ways depending on the day. Rushing into it, rushing through it, not really enjoying it, or not really feeling nourished by it. Our body feels less relaxed and more tensed, as it is being streamlined to the finish line with no space for surprise. Willing our mind onto our body… yet again.

Imagine this:

 1)   Carving out time in your evening for you. A Love Appointment with yourself. Play nice music and take a moment to celebrate the fact that you’re creating time for such a special occasion. The true definition of Self Love and Self Care.

2)   Getting naked and adorning yourself with the oil of your liking. Loving up on yourself. Talking to your body – telling her that you love her. Loving on your body and your soul like it’s your job. Because isn’t it? This in itself is a powerful experience for many women.

3)   Dropping any idea of anything happening! Except for sweet self-lovin.

4)   As you caress and say hello to your body, honor the call towards your yoni…starting with your inner thighs…. what does it feel like? Be present and take your time. Honoring what you truly feel... maybe you're feeling to not go anywhere else but your belly and your breasts… truly listen to your body. Maybe you feel your pussy start to tingle… she’s feeling excited! How exciting to feel. She’s calling you in and possibly you inviting into more and more touch.

5)   Listening. Feeling. Exploring. Honoring whats alive and moving through you and inside of you. Noticing if any energy of expectation of judgment creeps in. Be gentle with yourself... 

It’s amazing the conversation that unfolds, and the messages our body and our sexuality shares when we create the space, and give it the thoughtful attention it is craving.

The experience of being invited into Pleasure is completely different then expecting it. It is an act of surrender and receptivity. Allowing the gifts of body and spirit to shower us with sensual sexual sprinkles of warmth and ecstasy. It is an incredible practice for day to day living.

By approaching your sexuality and your yoni in this way, you are respecting her and really developing a relationship with this part of yourself, for maybe the first time. The teachings and understanding that result from this experience are immense.

In the practice of developing this sweet and subtle relationship with our body and how it likes to be touched and loved, we strengthen our knowing for what it needs and likes. This not only influences our intimate relationship and our sexual life, but also our relationship with others, and ultimately with how we nurture and take care of ourself. What often accompanies this experience, is a feeling of confidence within ourselves. 

So... give it a try?! I'd love to know how it feels and flows for you!